Well, it had to come sometime or other, and it’s come now. My first “bad” report to the pediatric endocrinologist. After weeks of perfectly filled out, beautifully consistent, and dutifully compliant reports, today I had to fax in a report with gaps and holes and inconsistent BS (blood sugar) numbers. My “must be seen as” box was shaking in its boots as I hit the “send” button. Even worse was the expectation of the phone call that always follows the fax, when I have to explain to the “expert” on the other end of the line why I am not doing a “perfect” job of keeping my son’s BS in line. The DE was very sweet, very understanding, as I blurted out “we’re having a little rebellion right now, but I’m sure he’ll settle down soon”. No, she assured me, we don’t see any trends that are a problem, and no, we don’t need to make any adjustments right now. No remonstrations for being a Bad Diabetes Mother, not even a hint of disapproval, but why do I still feel so guilty about not maintaining perfect control?
Where is that illusive line between “parent as guardian” and “parent as guidance”? Where is the line between honoring them as the perfect human beings that they are, and compelling them to do as you insist “for their own good”? When does that moment come when I can let down my guard and say “I just can’t do it right now”, in acknowledgement of my own humanity and weakness?
It’s not really as bad as all that. The DE and ped endo are not judging me nearly as harshly as I judge myself. But, isn’t that how it is for every perfectionist? The “voice of judgment” comes from within our own minds, no matter how fervently we try to banish it. T-Bear doesn’t care what his numbers are, only that I love him and care for him. So, for today, I choose to treat him like a kid, and not treat him like a T1 patient. As one of my young friends at Juveniation said recently, “How ‘bout letting them just be kids once in a while?” No matter if “once in a while” lasts a day or a few days or even a week. A week or so of rebellion will not cause any irreparable damage. T-Bear is a kid first. ALWAYS a kid first. Period.
The Defiant Mom