Well, I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but tonight I graduated from the YMCA Coach Approach program. I got a certificate, and everything. I almost cancelled my appointment with Carol, my Wellness Coach, because I'd so sucked at sticking to my exercise routine the last three weeks (what, with Papa Bear traveling so much, and me getting up every few hours to stab T-Bear and dose him, I didn't manage to exercise every day?!?), but she was very understanding ("Sometimes Life happens"), and expressed complete confidence that I would be back on the ball and exercising regularly again very soon. She managed to fluff me up so much, I even stuck around and did a full circuit on the weight machines before I headed home. Now, I was expecting this to totally, Totally, TOTALLY suck, because I hadn't done any regular weight training for a few weeks. But, amazingly, I managed to hit all of my weight and repitition targets on every machine without screaming in agony. Apparently, it takes longer than I thought to lose muscle strength once you've built it up. Thank goodness. Now I won't be so wimpy about getting back into the gym.
So, just because I can, here's a post I drafted a couple of weeks ago when I was kicking myself in the butt for losing my motivation. But, I didn't post it because I didn't have enough motivation to (no, I don't actually post everything I write). Heehee.
All of My Marbles Have Rolled Off My Plate (drafted 5/11/10)
Really. Just about every last one of them has rolled right off my plate and into The Great Nothingness Beyond. All that energy and gumption, all that determination and desire to walk and exercise and be active, all that focus on myself and keeping healthy so I can be a Rock Of Support for my family and so I don’t melt into a Pathetic Puddle Of Ooooze as I grow older. Gone. Catput. Lost it. Every single marble. No “plop”, just an “oh, shit, there it goes” as another one disappears into oblivion. Don’t know if I’ll ever get ‘em back. Maybe, maybe not. I probably should care, but I’m just too tired to right now.
But, I continue to comfort (or delude) myself by thinking that this really is not The Optimum Time to be instituting life-altering, life-long, life-enhancing changes in my personal life. Maybe, just maybe, in the first year of my son’s diagnosis with a life-threatening, (currently) non-curable disease may NOT be the BEST time to Pull Myself Together and Be The Best I Can Be. Maybe, just maybe, I could give myself just a LITTLE more time to tackle the whole “Me Improved” project. Maybe, just maybe, I could give myself a few more years, say, until after BooBooBear is old enough to do his chores on his own, and BroBear is old enough to be kid-watching his siblings and hitting the books without me “inspiring” him, and T-Bear is old enough to recognize when he’s low and needs to check his BG and correct, and exactly how to do that without me standing right there. Maybe, just maybe, I could cut myself a break and not demand quite so much of myself just at this particular time in my life. Maybe.
So, here I am. Marbles all gone. Exhausted. Weary. Every pound lost slapped right back on my gut. Trying not to kick myself in the ass because I’ve lost my momentum. Trying not to think how humiliating my next Wellness Appointment with my Wellness Coach is going to be, ‘cause it’s gonna be ugly, and I may be the only member of the Y ever to fail the Coach Approach program, ever. (I wonder if they post the failures on the bulletin board, right up there next to the graduates?).
Then, I read Meri’s post about her friend’s marbles, and I think, “Oh, maybe I’m not the only mom who’s lost ‘em.” And, I realize how many more marble Meri’s got on her plate. You know, the Golden Marbles. The ones with a beloved child’s face on them. The ones with diabetes. Or the ones with a life-threatening allergy. Or the ones with cancer. The Ones You Just Can’t Drop. Ever. And, how exhausting is that? How energy-sucking, soul-enriching, life-fullfilling is that? To be part of saving the life of a child … or three children … who would have been condemned to death just 50 years ago by a diagnosis that most people don’t even understand.
And you’re right there, at the forefront, leading the charge in keeping them alive and well and THRIVING every single day. Every singled blessed day. Every single exhausting, frustrating, soul-wrenching, FANTASTIC day. You. Bulging belly and all. Flabby muscles and all. Exhausted spirit and all. Right there. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Because that’s what it takes. And, Goddamnitt baby, you’ve got what it takes.
You may have lost your marbles, mama, but you’ve got juevos, and that’s what it takes to keep your kiddos thriving.
So, Rock On, Mamas With Juevos.